Foiled well meaning plans makes me think that life is out there to get me. I think this has long been discovered by those people in the looney, they knew about it, got stuck with the thought and abandoned their sanity.
My plans are on queue. I'm borrowing that word from an e-mail correspondence I had this morning. The future, my future, is slowly but surely becoming a cloudy smoke of uncertainty. Hope right now to me is just an ontological curiosity. When things get bad, they turn for the worse. Faith I have, and hope too. I think they are in a place where I can't see them right now. I have very confusing thoughts as well, and feelings. I dread the mornings, but I also anticipate them. Failed expectations do that. Everyday I'd wake up praying each day will be better than yesterday, either that it won't suck as much or a good news will remind me that life still smiles upon my poor old me.
Questions drum in my mind, "Did I make a hasty move?, Do I have regrets with the decisions I made?, did I do the right thing?", by putting it bluntly, did I screw up big time? Oh dear Lord, I hope not-(hmm, was that a prayerful expression?)
What I'm most scared about is my life spinning out of control. I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't know what to expect. I feel like a kid whose favorite toy has been snatched forcibly from his hands not knowing when it's gonna be given back. I don't like the waiting, time for me is either too short or too long, and that's one hell of a perspective.
This is frustration. A big one, and it's been building up for months. I heard someone say that we don't actually get what we deserve, we just... get. I wonder if that makes sense...
(will continue)